Wednesday, December 30, 2015

The List of Shame

I woke up like this.

I guess I lied about not making anymore posts this year. I was trying to be positive with my notable books list and with the exception of Slade House by David Mitchell, I really liked all of the books I listed. But as the day went on, I thought maybe it was time to throw a little shade. In no particular order, here is the List of Shame:

Book That Was the Equivalent of Telling Your Dog You Will Take Them to the Park and Then Taking Them to the Vet: Trust No One by Various

I was so excited when I found this book. I was two days away from payday but overdrafted my checking account to purchase it. That's how excited I was. Those of you who knew me in high school and college know that The X-Files was my life. I went to my first ever convention - an X-Files convention - in 1998 and just being in the same room as Gillian Anderson was like finding god. But this book... The intent is good, but the stories all read like bad fanfiction, and not even sexy bad fanfiction. "Mulder and Scully went to a small town and there was a lot of sexual tension and at one point Skinner calls to yell at them, but wait, they're not supposed to be hanging out together so Krycek shows up to spy on them, right? But then Mulder solves the case and Scully makes up some science but when they try to get proof of this alien thing, all they find is a smoking Morley cigarette. The end." It was like the authors went to an X-Files wiki and crammed every X-Files related word into a thing that resembled a story. Biggest letdown ever.

Book That Was Like a Really Good First Date Until You Lean In For the Kiss and They Say They're a Trump Supporter: Read Between the Lines by Jo Knowels

This book crapped all over itself in the last chapter. I was so on board with this book. It starts out with this poor kid who breaks his middle finger in gym class and now has to wear a cast that flips everyone off. Every chapter focuses on a different student and they are all interconnected. One chapter might show a student being terrible and the next would make their actions sympathetic due to information we did not previously have. You know how it works. This book had all the feels. It really sent the message across to be compassionate because you never know what another person is dealing with. Until the last chapter. The last chapter is about one of the teachers reflecting on how much she hates her job because all of these kids are little shits. Why? Why was this chapter in there? It completely ruined the rest of the book.

Book That I Had to Stop Reading Because I Was in the Hospital and Didn't Need Anything Else to Cry About: The Heart Goes Last by Margaret Atwood

I love Margaret Atwood and maybe it isn't really fair of me to put this book on the List of Shame. I was stuck in the hospital after surgery and on several different pain medications and antibiotics. I started this book and it made me so depressed. I couldn't finish it. It's about a couple who are trying to make their way in a world that has experienced economic collapse. I didn't even get to the part where they sign on with a sketchy corporation. I'm sorry, Margaret. I have every intention of giving this another shot.

Book I Had Every Intention of Reading Until Matt Damon Ruined Everything: The Martian by Andy Weir

This book seemed interesting. I wanted to read it but it got lost in the shuffle of the 8 million other books I also want to read. But then everyone started reading it. And then Matt Damon made a movie. And everyone started saying they were going to "science the shit" out of things. I don't care how good it is or how much you think I will like it. I already hate the main character and everyone who has read it who now thinks they're Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

Book That I Read Against Everyone's Better Judgment But Still Don't Quite Regret: Life and Death: Twilight Re-imagined by Sephenie Meyer

I read this book so you wouldn't have to. I did it for you, dammit! The gender bending was silly and actually disproved all of the things Meyer wanted to say. Bella and Beau could feel the exact same things about the exact same situations but they will be perceived differently because gender is something we all perform even if our performance is not performing it. Gender exists and in and of itself it is not a bad thing. No point on the gender spectrum is any better or worse than another and it's okay for a male character and a female character to react differently to things. The gender bending wasn't done well - there were a lot of pronoun changes and name changes but overall it was ineffective. Beau was just as much of a potato as Bella was. But, I can't bring myself to regret reading this or the original series. It's just a thing that happened.

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